Waitressing - A Journey, not a Destination PART 2

Waitress Incognito wishes to formally apologize for assuming that one post alone would be enough to aptly reflect the vast repertoire of skills and insights in her possession as a server-come-blogger. It is unfair, she concedes, morally wrong perhaps,  to deny the public any further of such vocational learning's so integral to society as a healthy, functioning and cultivated unit. In keeping with moral principles, the author expresses the insufferable guilt of trying to ignore her beloved fans, who just keep on begging for more.. (you know who you are, Mother Incognito). 

A minimal charging fee may be applied for any tips, tricks, insights shared or requested by followers hereafter, at the sole discretion of the Waitress Incognito. This follows the advice of her *legal team who maintain that, 'they [the public] just use your mind, and they never give you credit'. It is necessary to address the, 'its all takin' and no givin' culture of today before it gets out of hand.

*In lieu of actual legal counsel, Waitress Incognito has just referenced renowned philanthropist and childhood hero, Dolly Parton. This does not detract from the validity of her case. Delivering consistency and excellence is a thankless job, but alas, someone has to do it.

'9-5 for service and devotion, you would think that I would deserve a fair promotion'.  ♫

For obvious reasons, the lyrics of Dolly Parton's, '9-5'  resonate deeply with me and will forever hold a special place in this big old waitressing heart of mine. There is no doubt that I devote a lot of my time and energy to others. I give ketchup and vinegar and cheques and change and drinks and jokes, and I laugh at your jokes when they're not even funny; in fact I laugh by default at anything you say when I can't understand you the first 32 times you say something, because let's face it, the next best diversion to Irish dancing your way out of a situation is through a spasm of awkward laughs, winks, and my personal favourite.... 


The 'Thumbs Up': An unspoken but universally understood agreement between server and customer for, 'I won't bother you if you don't bother me'


As I was saying, I do mostly work for the intrinsic rewards that waitressing brings of a meaningful and satisfying existence, a sense of purpose, personal and spiritual growth (praying frequently and vehemently to the higher powers that I haven't forgotten an order), etc. etc., but I am, like most servers, partial to the odd external incentive. These may include any or all of the following: 

A payrise, Waitress of the Week award (several) (prize negotiable but money preferable), and a personal office, soundproof, with scented candles, where one can visit periodically to seek refuge and scream in the comfort of their own soundproof, customer, manager and french fry free zone. Kickboxing equipment and/or a piñata filled with chocolate would also help with the cathartic release of tension and seething anger. 


Again, these are just a few simple ideas that came to mind but the list is by no means exhaustive. As an employer reading this, I hope you find the suggestions both helpful and pragmatic. Feel free to use them at your disposal, and know it is in your restaurant's best interests to implement them sooner, rather than later. The only slight impracticality I can identify is in getting staff to agree on a particular scented candle. I advise lavender for optimal relaxation. Apart from that, there is really little else to be considered.

A telling indication that Dolly Parton was not herself a waitress, is in the title, '9-5'. In my history of waitressing, I can count on my hand the number of times I have been gifted the sociable hours of, '9am - 5pm'. A more realistic representation would be '12-10 ish, could be 11, depending how busy, but we've a party of 22 + 15 kids and Johnny called in sick so yeah, pee now while you still have the chance'. Another disturbing reality of  life in the fast lane is seeing 'Xpm - Finish' on the work schedule. This could be 8- fin, or 3 - close. The word 'finish' is interchangeable with 'close' but it all means the same thing. You're here 'til eternity. In this case, managers don't even pretend to know what time you will get out at, assuming you do make it out alive at all. One could never be certain.


You had good life up to this point. You were a good kid, you made mistakes along the way sure, but we all do. Was it really enough to warrant this culinary mission of mercy? (Rhetorical question. Answer: absolutely not). You had dreams for the future, maybe have a family,  settle down, you know? Nothing major, but it could have been a good life. 

 Lamenting for a future that was never to be, you pick yourself up,  find out what the soup of the day is (a fleeting respite from the monotony of daily routine), and surrendering to your fate, grab a few hundred thousand pens and a quadruple espresso. It was nice knowing you, potential social life. A pen for literally every party invite I have had to decline.


THE END 

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