Waitressing - A Journey, not a Destination

Foreword about the author/note of reassurance to future employers: Waitress Incognito is contrary to what the following post may lead you to believe, an excellent, considerate and highly attentive waitress who wishes nothing more than to serve happiness and joy on a plate and in person to everyone she meets. The author wishes to thank every customer past, present and future for enriching her life with experiences and insights into the human psyche that she admittedly sometimes wishes she never had to discover but is ultimately grateful for and, without which, would not have crafted her into the reasonably competent waitress and human she is today. Waitress Incognito requests that the public respect her privacy and contact her Personal Assistant (see below) should they wish to employ her for future waitressing gigs, signings and celebrity endorsements.

It is recommended that the following content be read in jest and consumed akin to that of the bland meals she serves at work, that is to say, with a moderate "pinch of salt".  Please appreciate that to be an idiom for not taking things seriously, and not a euphemism for bland content unfit for public consumption - important distinction to make. The author wishes to assure you that her content is far from bland. Finally, though the opinions expressed here are that of the author's only, they are in fact, most likely representative of the entire server population.

*Personal Assistant job not yet assigned; CV's can be forwarded directly to Miss Incognito. Minimum 3 years experience assisting exceptionally sought after public figures.

I've wanted to be a waitress for as long as I can remember and quite frankly whoever tells you otherwise, is lying. My earliest recollection of the sport dates back to November 1993, when I came bursting out of the womb carrying a tray with 6 pints of stout and a bottle of ketchup. The midwives couldn't get over it - a pure natural they said. "Child-waitress prodigy" were their exact words, if I remember correctly. Of course one of them complained about the stout, but even at the tender age of newborn infant I instinctively understood this to be the natural order of things. We have the privilege of but a few certainties in life, and complaints would inevitably be one. Amid the chaos and disorder of an otherwise unpredictable world, there remains a solace in knowing that as surely and sublimely as night follows day, so too will the rhythmic torrent of complaints following any kind of service. The learning was integral to the cool, calm, collected mode of operating I so organically assumed for the years to follow.

Looking back now, it is clear that the problem I faced, like so many child prodigies, was that I peaked too soon, and my gradual demise as a skilled and aspiring young waitress was unfortunate but inevitable. Whilst I may lack the, 'je ne sais quoi' of my earlier years, I still consider myself relatively proficient at the job, perhaps even obliged if you will, to share my tips, tricks, experiences etc. for the advancement and all round betterment of the serving industry. It also can't hurt to employ a suitable medium by which to vent years of built up frustration in a healthy, non physically threatening manner. In fact, it's probably vitally important that I do, for everyone's sake.

Without further ado, here are a few snapshots of daily life in 'the industry'. Just a reminder - I work in the serving/hospitality industry. Not to be mistaken for the less glamorous and well-paid movie/music/entertainment industries.

Figure A: Post clock-in vibes

I always begin my shift in a genuinely positive mind-frame, as demonstrated in Figure. A, and always  sometimes on time. On the off-chance that you are ever running late - not to worry. Just be sure to let your managers know that time is relative, because chances are, they're not as wise, knowledgeable or up-to-date on the universal laws of physics as you, and will only be more than delighted and relieved for you to enlighten them. Explaining Albert Einstein's Theory of Relativity to managers can prove challenging under the constraints of an explosively fast-paced, highly-pressurizing environment, but it is an important concept for them to grasp, and they will ultimately thank you. Remind your manager that 'time is relative' at every given opportunity, it really cannot be iterated enough. They will catch on eventually; persistence is key. You might notice your manager's anger levels increase at the same profound velocity as their patience descends; the synchrony and fluidity of which can be fascinating to observe, although a little disconcerting. At this point you might suspect your manager is angry at you, but I can assure you this is not the case. Learn to recognize these emotions as anger and frustration not towards you, but towards themselves, for not being able to grasp and apply the Theory of Relativity as effortlessly as you, the educated and motivated [insert university subject here] major that you are.

Joking aside, I am all about the punctual life, and encourage all aspiring waitresses to arrive on time with a good 30 seconds, give or take, to spare. This provides more than enough time to catch your breath from galloping down the street, in the door, and over to the clock-in machine. It should also prevent depleting already minimal energy levels on laborious supplementary tasks eg. napkin folding that you may be peer pressured into assisting with before you're due to start your shift. Trust me, if you intend on waitressing your socks off for the duration of your shift, conserving energy is an absolute must. You want to be top of your game. Engaging in extra work beforehand is just reckless not to mention detrimental to your forthcoming performance on the floor. Every napkin you don't fold saves an approx. 5 molecules of energy; that's 5 molecules you literally cannot afford to loose when you throw a few hungry, tired and hormonal customers into the equation. Your strategic work ethic may receive some backlash from managers and fellow servers, who often mistake it as laziness, but they're clearly just a bunch of amateurs. Anyways,  just remember, 'A lion does not concern himself with the opinions of sheep', as they said once in Game of Thrones I believe.

During quiet periods you toy with the idea of catching up on side work, certainly, but you know better than to act on these whimsical notions and make any rash commitments here that could potentially jeopardize your energy levels. The urge to be productive will pass, I can assure you. The time can be more effectively put to use by planning what to watch on Netflix later, daydreaming, avoiding eye-contact with customers, counting the number of chairs in the room (first in English, then Spanish), learning how to spell your name backwards, or deliberating with co-workers over the big issues in life, like what possessed Kylie Jenner to name her child 'Stormi'??! Like I said, the big issues.

Next time you're in a restaurant and think your waitress isn't busy, maybe take a moment to reflect on what you have just read in this section and then, only then, if you feel it absolutely necessary, if you are choking on your food perhaps - I mean seriously choking like you're turning blue - then you may proceed to interrupt your server from her energy saving rituals. 

Following in the theme of energy conservation, I feel that now would be an acceptable time to end the post. I am sure you can appreciate that it is all in preparation for even better posts to come.